Last night was the other W's big birthday party. Was a splendid evening of tea partys, hats and seeing people i haven't seen for a long time. Near the end of the evening i managed to catch up with the birthday girl. I asked how she was, she looked at me, went to speak, hesitated and looked at me...eyes filling up with tears. I was about to say "its your birthday, if its going to upset you tell me another time"...she then told me what was upsetting her. To be honest i'm not sure how many people know what she told me and for that reason i won't go into details. She's ok though and will have some pretty tough desicions to make at soom point. I gave her a hug and said if she ever needs to talk or get away, she knows where i am. She smiled and said thanks and changed the subject. Fast forward to the end of the evening......
Went to say goodbye to her as i left, she flung her arms round me we hugged...a long lingering hug.
W: Thanks so much for coming along SR, been really nice to see you
SR: No worries W, i enjoyed it. Was good to see you and the others....
W: You know what SR, you are going to make a wonderful husband for someone one day
W: If i wasn't married myself.....and wasn't called W
SR: I'm over that now....
W: Good, your such a kind bloke you deserve to meet someone special
SR: (again blushing....) If you want to talk about things W, please ring me or pop over
W: Thank you.......
We kissed and hugged and then it was time to go. Not sure either of us wanted it to end to be honest. What she said about me making a wonderful husband really made me smile...alot...all night and in fact most of today!!
So whats been going on lately......
Work has hopefully calmed down as of today. Time will tell but i've lost 31 units and gained 15 ish so hopefully will have time to meet up with the delightful M1 again. We still see each other every 3 months or so for coffee. Her attitude to me seems to be more of a friend now rather than...who knows.....we seemed pretty close up until a few months back. Almost like how C when she went odd on me. Shame as i still do like M1 but don't want to spoil things.
Seen a fair bit of Mrs X of late as well. Due to reasons i wont go into i've taken her to work the last few mornings. She looks gorgeous in her works cloths and my van now smells nice again due to her perfume. I know there will never, ever be anything between us other than friends, but i still find myself thinking what if.....
Been seeing a bit of a school mate as well, M2, She runs a shop in town, i pop in and see her when shes around. At school we never gave each other a second look. She hung around with the cool girls and i was a bit of a geek. Shes divorced and has a teenage daughter. I keep telling myself not to do what i did with C......but its hard not to. Shes needed a helping hand moving things, going to shops etc and i'm more than happy to help but i find myself having the same feelings for her as i did with C. I've already had the "i don't want to be a relationship etc etc" from her already!. We did have a lingering look into each others eyes as she was hanging over the side of her bed (long story.....) and she did catch me staring down her top as well, her response was "nice ain't they" and gave me a jiggle. But thats as far as we've got.
Can't really describe it, just feel blehhh to be honest. Had some really odd/wierd/bad dreams of late. The feeling of being wrong, constantly on edge, letting people down, being late and just generally being a waste of space feature alot. I guess its down to the whole too much work thing, it did happen before about 10 years ago....had all sorts of down right odd dreams then...but thats all they were odd. The recent dreams are odd but have a down right evil, nasty twist to them.
So the holiday/camp went ok i guess. Kids enjoyed it and the weather wasn't too bad. Usual shouting etc from Mr X and Co though. Small issue after we got back due to 'us' not observing the rules, but hey thats what we seem to do....now 'we' are all upset that 'we've' been caught. I'm not as 'we' seem to take the p*ss with stuff like this so its to be expected really!.
Work sucks.....no leadership at all and its just chaos at the moment. Found myself having naughty thoughts about Mrs X as well the other night. Shes been off work for a while and have to admit that its done her good. She was sat on the sofa in a lovely summer dress and i found it hard not to stare at her ample boobs.
Most people spend the last few days before a holiday thinking "its X days before i go on holiday...yay!!". Me....all i've been doing is thinking "this time next week there'll be 3 days to go before i come home...YAY!!". How sad is that............
It began last week. After much debating i bought a new car. Feeling chuffed with myself i told Mr X. His first words...."oh well done what you bought"........NO...........he scrunched his face up, looked at me and said "hast it got a tow bar?". i replied no, and even before i had chance to respond he shouted, yes shouted "WELL YOU'LL HAVE GET ONE FITTED BEFORE CAMP WON'T YOU". With that he went and told his brother and the rest of them. It was like the teachers pet telling on the naughty boy. "Sir, sir SR has bought a car and it hasn't got a towbar on Sir". I tried to argue my case against, such as i tow one trailer a year and can't see the point in getting one, but it fell on deaf ears.
A day later i called in to see Mr X's brother. He cast his eye over my new car, he likes it, said i had done well. "But it ain't got a tow bar on...." He then proceded to shout, yep more shouting, "its only £***, just get someone to fit it". I was so p*ssed off at this i made my excuses and left. Sunday night i detected a problem with the vehicle and mentioned this to the lads. "have you asked for your money back yet. If not why not....". It was at that point i gave up...never again will i share stuff with these people. All Mr X did when he heard of the problem was sneer "don't know why he bought it, its got no tow bar for gods sake".
The reason for the concern for no tow bar is, i tow the trailer for camp with the kit in. We take so much crap wth us we take a huge van, 2 trailers and 2 minibuses. The buses can't tow the trailer because "its too heavy". So if its too heavy for a twin wheeled mini bus, why do i have to tow it?. Yes i have a big 4x4 but i still think its way over weight. Anyway i digress.....
One of the lads has been hassleing me about the car and what the garage is doing about it. WTF has it to do with him....its my car, my money, my problem. Spoke to the garage today and hopefully will have an answer tomorrow, its looking good.
Should have gone out last night to the club. Didn't as i couldn't face the sneering etc etc. I just cant put up with it anymore. I just can't cope with stress at the moment....and Mr X's constant sneering, thinking people are always picking on him, making mountains out of mole hills....all i wanna do is scream...scream "Grow up you moaning, narcisstic fool".
It boils down to this....no one listens to what i say, be it at work, home or play. The only people that do are people who don't know me that well, clients of mine and other random types. I hate it......never thought i would say this but i so want to move away from it all.................
On the TV at the moment is a drama series called The White Queen. I can't stand stuff like that so have no intention of watching it, but just hearing it mentioned sends shivers down my spine.
There's a song by Queen by the same name........W was a huge Queen fan.......we had a pretty heavy chat one night about our fave songs. She wanted this played at her funeral. Why in gods name am i still thinking about W after nearly 5 years. Why can't i just forget her.........
Ok, so today i had to go back to the client that reported me 2 weeks ago. I rang the boss before and he asked me if i had chatted to the chap yet. I replied no as i didn't see him the last time i was there. I said that i would have a 'chat' with him this morning when i got there. So i decided that i would be the bigger man, say i was sorry and hope that i hadn't offended him. I have no problem with apologising if i have made a mistake etc but really hate being made to say sorry for something i haven't done. So off i went, signed in and as we walked off i said:
SR: "my boss had a chat with me last week and said that i may have said something that has offended you. I'd just like to say sorry if i did, i didn't mean to offend you"
Client : "Ehhhh, what you talking about?. All i said to him was that you needed to book in advance to come to site"
SR : "Oh.....erm thats not what i was told Client. No problem with booking in at all."
After that nothing else was said about it. Rang the Boss to let him know i had the 'chat' and he asked what i said...which was a bit odd....he asked what the client said as well, i told him exactly.
All seems to me that chinese whispers has got out of hand and i've suffered for it. I'm now being watched...everything i do/say will be scrutinised and noted. Obviously 20 years plus in the job means i aint got a clue what i'm doing..........
It started a few weeks ago. A client of mine decided that due to his uselessness and my boss not following up on repair quotes i sent him, said client has requested that i no longer go to his site as he has lost "confidence in SR". To be fair both of my bosses realise that the client is playing games and they aren't worried about it. But Monday morning, i gets a phone call.
"please come to the office, we need to have an informal chat..."
Turns out another client has said he doesn't want me on site. I first met this chap back in Feb, he was new to the job and it was the first time he had seen me working on his site. I've racked my brain and for the life of me have no idea what i said, but apparently i huffed and puffed and said "oh for f***s sake" when i was told that i had to book the servicing in advance and would have to escorted. I explained to the boss that i only met him that one time and as far as i was concerned hadn't sworn etc etc. I don't even remember what this bloke looks like!.
So the boss sat there, rolling his tounge round his mouth, making notes. He then tells me that he (the boss) was in town visiting this chap last week. Why not ring me then and have a chat. Why pull me into the office in front of the 2 big bosses...why make me look stupid......informal chat it may have been, but people will remember this for a long time.
So i'm feeling pretty rubbish at the mo. Feeling untrusted.....unwanted...useless....let down by my workmates (who knew all about this before me) All i want right now is a hug.......sod work, sod stupid dumb arse clients...i'm fed up of helping other people out...making sure everyone else is happy. What about me, what about my happiness.....am i allowed to be happy......all i want is a long comforting hug and to have someone listen to my troubles for a change.......
Need to get this off my chest......
I drive roughly 35,000 miles a year in a small van. I class myself as a considerate driver with alot of experience. I can't speed as the van is restricted to 64mph on the motorway, and having been done for speeding i stick to the speed limits. Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i'm the best driver ever and never do anything wrong but i feel people do take advantage of me being a 'white van man' in a company van. Take today for instance.......
Driving up a road looking for somewhere to park. On my left is a marked parking bay for residents only (Mon to Fri only). As its Sunday and theres a good 7 or so car lengths clear to park in, i indicate left, pull into the empty bay, stop, engage reverse to tidy the parking up, look in my wing mirrors and begin reversing......BANG..........a car has appeared behind me where moments before she wasn't there.
I get out and look at the damage to my van, one bent rear door. Damage to her car is minimal and is limited to 2 small dents on her bonnet. I wait for the 2 occupants in the other car to get out. He gets out and blames me instantly " you didn't look in your rear view mirror mate, i saw you not looking". I pointed out that i don't have a rear view mirror fitted, hence the big wing mirrors. "oh, you still weren't looking and you didn't signal when you pulled in. I assured him i did, as i was parking up. Off to my right are 2 passers by, who shout over to the driver "we'll be witnesses we saw what happened". She takes their details and they vanish. By now there is nothing to be gained by blaming each other and i dig out my documents. This seems to confuse the bloke somewhat and his attitude changes. We have a chat and laugh and he even commented "blimey, our car look ok, oh i see yours is a new van as well". Twice i asked "is your son ok in the back?" (son was approx 2 years old if not younger), twice they replied "yeah he's fine" without checking on him. I should point out that nobody was injured, no emergency services were called and we all behaved like adults.
I have to tell the lease company as soon as i can. I was on the phone to them within 15 mins of the BANG. All dealt with very proffesionally my end. 2 hours later i get a phone call from her insurance company asking for my view of events. I was very unhappy with this but told them EXACTLY what i told my lease company. The insurance Co specificly asked me " Do you back into her or did she drive into you", which in my mind is a very leading question. I replied with "i cant answer that question, as i am not sure what exactly happened".
What annoys me the most was the willingness of 2 witnesses to get involved. They almost ran across the road to pass on their details. Funnily enough they didn't offer me any details. I have a fair idea of what happened but until such time as its been dealt with, i shall keep my mouth shut.
If you read my first ever post in this blog, it explains how i met W. For those that haven't, i first met her when a group of us got together in 2007 for a weekend of camping and exploring.
A few days ago it was suggested we have a reunion camp. A group was created on FB and the group pic was posted up that was taken back in 2007. In it W is standing and i'm knelt in front of her. I kinda blanked that pic from my mind, but find myself looking at it more and more.
She ripped my heart out and stamped on it but i still find myself thinking 'what if.....'. It brings back memories of a fantastic weekend but also some odd, uncomfortable memories that i thought i had finished with.
With regard to my previous blog..........
Over the last few days i have sought advice from various people who know far more than me about such matters, and i really have no idea what i should do. My head says "go after her for the money", my heart says "can you put up with all the crap you'll get in return". Camilla, L and M1 have all said i should go after the money. But i just cannot be arsed with the hassle i'll get in return. I know what C is like, and i'll never hear the end of it. I said to C when i lent her the money "pay me back as when, doesn't matter how long it takes..". This was before i realised what she had done. C will remember what i said and will use that as an excuse, hell shes crossed the street to avoid me, so what hope have i got of her being adult like about the money!.
I thought i could trust this woman, but obviously not. In fact between W and C, i'm gonna find it hard to trust a woman ever again.
The other night a mate of C's needed a hand to move her car. Having a spare few hours i popped over to help. Have to say i was a bit apprehensive about seeing her (shes another C so lets call her Camilla!). We hadn't seen each other since one of C's last shows and i always wondered how our next meeting would go. After a quick hug and catch up we started on the car. I was trying to work out a way of steering the conversation round to C, but Camilla got there first with "so do you still still see C?".
I explained no and the reasons why. Camilla looked at me and said "oh thank god, me neither.." Turns out Camilla and the dancing lot ain't spoken to C for about 3 years or so. C has used all her friends from that period of her life and has now alientated then big time. Also turns out that i'm not the only one she ripped financially. Shes done it before, and by my reckoning has taken me and at least one other group of people for several thousand pounds between us. When i lent her the last lot of money, she wrote out 3 signed cheques, undated for the full amount she owed me. I still have these cheques, in fact i can see them now....anyway i digress.
Me and Camilla chatted for a good few hours about the whole C thing. C had all of us wrapped around her little fingers. Too scared to talk to each other in case one of still spoke to her. I said to Camilla i had come to the conclusion that C had used me, Camilla looked at me and said "i know how you feel SR, i felt exactly the same when i had same conversation with Al and Mi about C". It felt good to talk to someone, and say all the things about C that i have had bottled up for so long. We agreed that we should all meet up soon for a catch up. Oh one last thing...remember those cheques i mentioned..........
Both L, M1 and Camilla have said "for gods sake cash those cheques, its too much money". Well i thought i ought to do a bit of research on if they were still valid. Technically because they are not dated, yes i could cash them. But i can't......why...because C is a devious, manipulative bitch. The cheques are from C's business account, they have C***** ***** t/a E***** C********* on them. So 3 undated business cheques should be good, yes?????......Well...no..... they would be if the company was still trading. According to the interweb, said company was dissolved in Dec 2010. I lent her the money, and she wrote the cheques in March 2011, on my birthday in fact. So she wrote them out knowing that the company had been dissolved, she gave them to me knowing that i would never be able to cash them. I did think she must trust me alot not to just cash them, but no, she knew that even if i did, there was no way i would ever get my money back. I realised this as i was stood in a bank (a client of mine) and asked about the undated cheques. The client asked if i was alright as i had gone pale by all accounts.....well you would go pale when it hits you that a supposed friend deliberatly cons you out of money.....£2000 to be exact.!!!!!!.
Thats all for now, have some thoughts on what i could do to get my money back........
So its the day Jesus was born.......Happy Christmas/Xmas/Chrimble/whatever!!.
So far this festive period:
Dad reversed Grans car into my van
Gran got all shouty when i mentioned that her son was serving overseas with the airforce, no one had told her......
I have a headache
The usual mountains/molehills and all that jazz
The neighbour is being a twunt
So the usual christmassy type stuff. Role on tomorrow when i'm on call and can escape!!.
Just found out that W has got married. Not sure how i should be feeling or if i should have any feelings towards her at all. Should i feel upset that it wasn't me, should i be thinking "ah well good luck to him, he's welcome to her", should i be thinking "that could have been me" and whilst looking at the pic of her with her kids in all their wedding gear "its one of you 3 brats that caused her to change her mind about us..." In truth i've been thinking all of the above and more. Angry, upset, anxious, lonely........
Its been 4 years to the week since we last saw other, 4 years since she told me "i don't to be in a relationship, i want to be on my own...", 4 years since she messed my head up. We did talk about getting married, wonder what would of happened if we did.
You sure know how to mess with my head don't you W......
Over the last few days, its dawned on me that despite me telling everyone that i don't want to be in a relationship and am happy being single, i really really really really do want someone special.
Everyone i know is a happy relationship. Everyone i know has someone special to go home to after a long day at work. Everyone i know has that special person they can chat to.........
Me.....all i've got is a bunch of mates who argue amongst each other, slag each other off and generally behave like kids. To be fair life at home is ok, still get on with my parents etc but even they seem to make mountains out of moles hills, like the others. Take yesterday, dad was sat in his chair muttering about how "he's sold me the wrong transformer, it won't work, its not what i asked for...mutter...mutter....mutter". I asked what was wrong, looked at said transformer and said "no, its fine, look...." and explained why it would work. Apparently i don't know what i'm talking about........this comes from a trained engineer, who 10 mins later said "oh...yeah...it will work". No sorry, no nothing.
Why can't i find a nice, kind, caring woman who isn't mad (W), has stalking tendencies (M, bless her), uses me for her own personal gain (C and M1 as it turns out). Why do i attract the nutters, fruit loops and weird types.
At this precise moment all i want is to hug someone special, a hug thats all i want........
Had the best day for a long time yesterday. Spent it out and about with another W. I've known her for just over 15 years and shes the only one of a group of friends from the mid 1990's that i've kept in touch with. The plan was for her and her hubby to join me on one of my exploring trips. The hubby cried off due to being too tired and i thought W would as well. But she messaged me to say that she was still coming along.
Picked her up in the morning and we headed out. It was a great day. Unlike Mr X and co she isn't judgemental, doesn't have an attitude and is fun to be with. We talked about all sorts, old friends, past partners of old friends, weird people we know, are ghosts real and so on. The first trip of the day was a bit over whelming for her i think, but she coped well and we had a good day.
On the way home, we stopped off at a site that i had been promising to take to to for a long time. As we hopped the gate and walked down the track, it struck me that this is what life should be like for me....Exploring the countryside with a beautiful woman and having a laugh. We rounded the corner and she stopped in hers tracks as she saw the building she had wanted to see for so long. It was a nice feeling to be able to make someone this happy. We had a look round the building, took some pics and headed off home.
So to W, thanks for a fantastic day. It was a pleasure to show you the sites and i hope we can do it again soon.
A while ago i blogged that a friend of mine, E, had lost a child in a still birth. Well today i found out that she gave birth to a little boy a few days ago. Have to admit that when i found out it got very dusty and my eyes started watering!!. I'm sooooo happy for them.
Walking through town today, i saw C walking towards me. Spur of the moment i decided that i would say Hi to her. As we got within talking distance, i opened my mouth ready to say "Hi C, hows things" and what did she do.........she pretended to be on the her mobile.....what a bitch!!. As soon as she saw me, she reached into her pocket and clamped her phone to her ear. As we passed each i turned round to see her look round to see if i was still there (she must have not seen me) and put the phone back in her bag.
You ungrateful cow C. If it wasn't for me you and your son would be homeless by now.....HOMELESS!!!!!.......and you would have lost custody of your son. But because i'm a kind bloke you're not and you still have your son. Is that all that thanks i get for lending you that money....blanking me ON PURPOSE in the street.........and next time you and your sis concoct a story to fob me off with, try and make it plausible. Your Gran must be turning in her grave C.
Yesterday (5th Sept) was 4 years since my neighbour A died in tragic circumstances at work. Fate is certainly a fickle thing.......just as i was about to message A's ex, i get a message telling from someone else telling me that a bloke i used to work with had died. I only worked with him for a year, but we went through alot in that year. The company we worked for went bust, he started up his own business, that went bust, we went out seperate ways and both found new sucessful jobs. He was only 45 ffs.
All the memories of that night 4 years ago when i came home from the pub having told all my mates that A had died have come flooding back.....my mind is going 10 to the dozen, lots of thoughts going on.............
Previous PostsSigh...feeling good but slightly down...., posted November 24th, 2013
Its hat time...., posted October 1st, 2013
Feeling odd again, posted September 12th, 2013
I'm back....., posted August 18th, 2013
Happy Holidays?!?!, posted July 23rd, 2013
Wanting to disappear...., posted July 11th, 2013
More memories and odd feelings, posted June 23rd, 2013
Lies......its all lies...., posted May 22nd, 2013
Feeling rubbish again...., posted May 15th, 2013
Thank god for being anonoymouse!!, posted April 7th, 2013
Good and bad memories, posted March 24th, 2013
What to do next....., posted January 13th, 2013
Moments of clarity, posted January 10th, 2013
Festive shizzle, posted December 25th, 2012
Not sure how i should be feeling at the moment...., posted December 15th, 2012
All i want is someone to be with....., posted November 24th, 2012
A most splendid day, posted October 28th, 2012
Good news...woo hoo..., posted October 6th, 2012
I'm the invisable man......, posted September 13th, 2012
Memories......, posted September 5th, 2012
Anything for an easy life....., posted August 23rd, 2012
Still here...., posted July 17th, 2012
Feeling invisable Pt2, posted November 23rd, 2011
Feeling invisable, posted November 23rd, 2011
Paranoia of the masses, posted October 9th, 2011
Life...la la la la la...life is life, posted September 20th, 2011
In a relationship......., posted September 6th, 2011
....and relax...., posted September 1st, 2011
Theres gonna be a riot in Tumpton tonight....., posted August 11th, 2011
Its that time of year again...., posted July 21st, 2011
Really cant be bothered anymore....., posted June 24th, 2011
Grrrrrrr......., posted June 15th, 2011
Life is fickle..., posted May 21st, 2011, 1 comment
A busy weekend....., posted May 12th, 2011
Playing games........, posted May 8th, 2011
what have i done....., posted April 16th, 2011
I now know why..., posted April 12th, 2011
Fantastic weekend...now feeling Blehhh, posted April 11th, 2011
Time to move on me thinks......, posted March 31st, 2011
Whats going on?!?!?!, posted March 24th, 2011
Interesting night Pt 2, posted March 22nd, 2011
Interesting night, posted March 19th, 2011
Had enough.....of feeling like this........of feeling rubbish......, posted March 17th, 2011
My head is full......., posted March 11th, 2011
Confused,,,,,,,, posted March 6th, 2011
Aunt Betty is having a picnic........, posted February 22nd, 2011
Sigh......what a rubbiush 2 weeks, posted February 18th, 2011
This is hard......so hard....., posted February 6th, 2011
Still not good news..., posted February 5th, 2011
"His heart stopped several times..." words you never, ever want to hear...., posted February 4th, 2011
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