swedishrhapsody's Blog

It started a few weeks ago.  A client of mine decided that due to his uselessness and my boss not following up on repair quotes i sent him, said client has requested that i no longer go to his site as he has lost "confidence in SR".  To be fair both of my bosses realise that the client is playing games and they aren't worried about it.  But Monday morning, i gets a phone call.

"please come to the office, we need to have an informal chat..."


Turns out another client has said he doesn't want me on site.  I first met this chap back in Feb, he was new to the job and it was the first time he had seen me working on his site.  I've racked my brain and for the life of me have no idea what i said, but apparently i huffed and puffed and said "oh for f***s sake" when i was told that i had to book the servicing in advance and would have to escorted.  I explained to the boss that i only met him that one time and as far as i was concerned hadn't sworn etc etc.  I don't even remember what this bloke looks like!.

So the boss sat there, rolling his tounge round his mouth, making notes.  He then tells me that he (the boss) was in town visiting this chap last week.  Why not ring me then and have a chat.  Why pull me into the office in front of the 2 big bosses...why make me look stupid......informal chat it may have been, but people will remember this for a long time.

So i'm feeling pretty rubbish at the mo.  Feeling untrusted.....unwanted...useless....let down by my workmates (who knew all about this before me)   All i want right now is a hug.......sod work, sod stupid dumb arse clients...i'm fed up of helping other people out...making sure everyone else is happy.  What about me, what about my happiness.....am i allowed to be happy......all i want is a long comforting hug and to have someone listen to my troubles for a change.......

Need to get this off my chest......

I drive roughly 35,000 miles a year in a small van.  I class myself as a considerate driver with alot of experience.  I can't speed as the van is restricted to 64mph on the motorway, and having been done for speeding i stick to the speed limits.  Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i'm the best driver ever and never do anything wrong but i feel people do take advantage of me being a 'white van man' in a company van.  Take today for instance.......

Driving up a road looking for somewhere to park.  On my left is a marked parking bay for residents only (Mon to Fri only).  As its Sunday and theres a good 7 or so car lengths clear to park in, i indicate left, pull into the empty bay, stop, engage reverse to tidy the parking up, look in my wing mirrors and begin reversing......BANG..........a car has appeared behind me where moments before she wasn't there.

I get out and look at the damage to my van, one bent rear door.  Damage to her car is minimal and is limited to 2 small dents on her bonnet.  I wait for the 2 occupants in the other car to get out.  He gets out and blames me instantly " you didn't look in your rear view mirror mate, i saw you not looking".  I pointed out that i don't have a rear view mirror fitted, hence the big wing mirrors. "oh, you still weren't looking and you didn't signal when you pulled in.  I assured him i did, as i was parking up.  Off to my right are 2 passers by, who shout over to the driver "we'll be witnesses we saw what happened".  She takes their details and they vanish.  By now there is nothing to be gained by blaming each other and i dig out my documents.  This seems to confuse the bloke somewhat and his attitude changes.  We have a chat and laugh and he even commented "blimey, our car look ok, oh i see yours is a new van as well".  Twice i asked "is your son ok in the back?" (son was approx 2 years old if not younger), twice they replied "yeah he's fine" without checking on him.  I should point out that nobody was injured, no emergency services were called and we all behaved like adults.

I have to tell the lease company as soon as i can.  I was on the phone to them within 15 mins of the BANG.  All dealt with very proffesionally my end.  2 hours later i get a phone call from her insurance company asking for my view of events.  I was very unhappy with this but told them EXACTLY what i told my lease company.  The insurance Co specificly asked me " Do you back into her or did she drive into you", which in my mind is a very leading question.  I replied with "i cant answer that question, as i am not sure what exactly happened".

What annoys me the most was the willingness of 2 witnesses to get involved.  They almost ran across the road to pass on their details.  Funnily enough they didn't offer me any details.  I have a fair idea of what happened but until such time as its been dealt with, i shall keep my mouth shut.

If you read my first ever post in this blog, it explains how i met W. For those that haven't, i first met her when a group of us got together in 2007 for a weekend of camping and exploring.

A few days ago it was suggested we have a reunion camp. A group was created on FB and the group pic was posted up that was taken back in 2007. In it W is standing and i'm knelt in front of her. I kinda blanked that pic from my mind, but find myself looking at it more and more.

She ripped my heart out and stamped on it but i still find myself thinking 'what if.....'. It brings back memories of a fantastic weekend but also some odd, uncomfortable memories that i thought i had finished with.

With regard to my previous blog..........

Over the last few days i have sought advice from various people who know far more than me about such matters, and i really have no idea what i should do.  My head says "go after her for the money", my heart says "can you put up with all the crap you'll get in return".  Camilla, L and M1 have all said i should go after the money.  But i just cannot be arsed with the hassle i'll get in return.  I know what C is like, and i'll never hear the end of it.  I said to C when i lent her the money "pay me back as when, doesn't matter how long it takes..".  This was before i realised what she had done.  C will remember what i said and will use that as an excuse, hell shes crossed the street to avoid me, so what hope have i got of her being adult like about the money!.  

I thought i could trust this woman, but obviously not.  In fact between W and C, i'm gonna find it hard to trust a woman ever again.

The other night a mate of C's needed a hand to move her car.  Having a spare few hours i popped over to help.  Have to say i was a bit apprehensive about seeing her (shes another C so lets call her Camilla!).  We hadn't seen each other since one of C's last shows and i always wondered how our next meeting would go.  After a quick hug and catch up we started on the car.  I was trying to work out a way of steering the conversation round to C, but Camilla got there first with "so do you still still see C?".

I explained no and the reasons why.  Camilla looked at me and said "oh thank god, me neither.."  Turns out Camilla and the dancing lot ain't spoken to C for about 3 years or so.  C has used all her friends from that period of her life and has now alientated then big time.  Also turns out that i'm not the only one she ripped financially.  Shes done it before, and by my reckoning has taken me and at least one other group of people for several thousand pounds between us.  When i lent her the last lot of money, she wrote out 3 signed cheques, undated for the full amount she owed me.  I still have these cheques, in fact i can see them now....anyway i digress.

Me and Camilla chatted for a good few hours about the whole C thing.  C had all of us wrapped around her little fingers.  Too scared to talk to each other in case one of still spoke to her.   I said to Camilla i had come to the conclusion that C had used me, Camilla looked at me and said "i know how you feel SR, i felt exactly the same when i had same conversation with Al and Mi about C".  It felt good to talk to someone, and say all the things about C that i have had bottled up for so long.  We agreed that we should all meet up soon for a catch up.  Oh one last thing...remember those cheques i mentioned..........

Both L, M1 and Camilla have said "for gods sake cash those cheques, its too much money".  Well i thought i ought to do a bit of research on if they were still valid.  Technically because they are not dated, yes i could cash them.  But i can't......why...because C is a devious, manipulative bitch.  The cheques are from C's business account, they have C***** ***** t/a E***** C********* on them.  So 3 undated business cheques should be good, yes?????......Well...no..... they would be if the company was still trading.  According to the interweb, said company was dissolved in Dec 2010.  I lent her the money, and she wrote the cheques in March 2011, on my birthday in fact.  So she wrote them out knowing that the company had been dissolved, she gave them to me knowing that i would never be able to cash them.  I did think she must trust me alot not to just cash them, but no, she knew that even if i did, there was no way i would ever get my money back.  I realised this as i was stood in a bank (a client of mine) and asked about the undated cheques.  The client asked if i was alright as i had gone pale by all accounts.....well you would go pale when it hits you that a supposed friend deliberatly cons you out of money.....£2000 to be exact.!!!!!!.  

Thats all for now, have some thoughts on what i could do to get my money back........

So its the day Jesus was born.......Happy Christmas/Xmas/Chrimble/whatever!!.

So far this festive period:

Dad reversed Grans car into my van
Gran got all shouty when i mentioned that her son was serving overseas with the airforce, no one had told her......
I have a headache
The usual mountains/molehills and all that jazz
The neighbour is being a twunt

So the usual christmassy type stuff.  Role on tomorrow when i'm on call and can escape!!.

Er...wow....sigh....bleh....

Just found out that W has got married.  Not sure how i should be feeling or if i should have any feelings towards her at all.  Should i feel upset that it wasn't me, should i be thinking "ah well good luck to him, he's welcome to her", should i be thinking "that could have been me" and whilst looking at the pic of her with her kids in all their wedding gear "its one of you 3 brats that caused her to change her mind about us..." In truth i've been thinking all of the above and more.  Angry, upset, anxious, lonely........

Its been 4 years to the week since we last saw other, 4 years since she told me "i don't to be in a relationship, i want to be on my own...", 4 years since she messed my head up.  We did talk about getting married, wonder what would of happened if we did.

You sure know how to mess with my head don't you W......

Over the last few days, its dawned on me that despite me telling everyone that i don't want to be in a relationship and am happy being single, i really really really really do want someone special.

Everyone i know is a happy relationship.  Everyone i know has someone special to go home to after a long day at work.  Everyone i know has that special person they can chat to.........

Me.....all i've got is a bunch of mates who argue amongst each other, slag each other off and generally behave like kids.  To be fair life at home is ok, still get on with my parents etc but even they seem to make mountains out of moles hills, like the others.  Take yesterday, dad was sat in his chair muttering about how "he's sold me the wrong transformer, it won't work, its not what i asked for...mutter...mutter....mutter".  I asked what was wrong, looked at said transformer and said "no, its fine, look...." and explained why it would work.  Apparently i don't know what i'm talking about........this comes from a trained engineer, who 10 mins later said "oh...yeah...it will work".  No sorry, no nothing.

Why can't i find a nice, kind, caring woman who isn't mad (W), has stalking tendencies (M, bless her), uses me for her own personal gain (C and M1 as it turns out).  Why do i attract the nutters, fruit loops and weird types.  

At this precise moment all i want is to hug someone special, a hug thats all i want........

Had the best day for a long time yesterday.  Spent it out and about with another W.  I've known her for just over 15 years and shes the only one of a group of friends from the mid 1990's that i've kept in touch with.  The plan was for her and her hubby to join me on one of my exploring trips.  The hubby cried off due to being too tired and i thought W would as well.  But she messaged me to say that she was still coming along.

Picked her up in the morning and we headed out.  It was a great day.  Unlike Mr X and co she isn't judgemental, doesn't have an attitude and is fun to be with.  We talked about all sorts, old friends, past partners of old friends, weird people we know, are ghosts real and so on.  The first trip of the day was a bit over whelming for her i think, but she coped well and we had a good day.  

On the way home, we stopped off at a site that i had been promising to take to to for a long time.  As we hopped the gate and walked down the track, it struck me that this is what life should be like for me....Exploring the countryside with a beautiful woman and having a laugh.  We rounded the corner and she stopped in hers tracks as she saw the building she had wanted to see for so long.  It was a nice feeling to be able to make someone this happy.  We had a look round the building, took some pics and headed off home.

So to W, thanks for a fantastic day.  It was a pleasure to show you the sites and i hope we can do it again soon.

A while ago i blogged that a friend of mine, E, had lost a child in a still birth.  Well today i found out that she gave birth to a little boy a few days ago.  Have to admit that when i found out it got very dusty and my eyes started watering!!.  I'm sooooo happy for them.

Walking through town today, i saw C walking towards me.  Spur of the moment i decided that i would say Hi to her.  As we got within talking distance, i opened my mouth ready to say "Hi C, hows things" and what did she do.........she pretended to be on the her mobile.....what a bitch!!.  As soon as she saw me, she reached into her pocket and clamped her phone to her ear.  As we passed each i turned round to see her look round to see if i was still there (she must have not seen me) and put the phone back in her bag.

You ungrateful cow C.  If it wasn't for me you and your son would be homeless by now.....HOMELESS!!!!!.......and  you would have lost custody of your son.  But because i'm a kind bloke you're not and you still have your son.  Is that all that thanks i get for lending you that money....blanking me ON PURPOSE in the street.........and next time you and your sis concoct a story to fob me off with, try and make it plausible.  Your Gran must be turning in her grave C.  

COW!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday (5th Sept) was 4 years since my neighbour A died in tragic circumstances at work.  Fate is certainly a fickle thing.......just as i was about to message A's ex, i get a message telling from someone else telling me that a bloke i used to work with had died.  I only worked with him for a year, but we went through alot in that year.  The company we worked for went bust, he started up his own business, that went bust, we went out seperate ways and both found new sucessful jobs.  He was only 45 ffs.

All the memories of that night 4 years ago when i came home from the pub having told all my mates that A had died have come flooding back.....my mind is going 10 to the dozen, lots of thoughts going on.............

Why do people have to make their lifes so full of conflict/stress etc etc!!??.  Everyone i'm friends with seems to get wound up about something or moaning.

Mr X is still getting his arse out over the smallest of things.  He'll scrunch his face up like a petulant school girl and sneer words like "why won't you listen to me, you don't know anything about [insert job/trade/random stuff]...."  Why don't you just shut up and stop being such a twat Mr X.  I really feel sorry for his Mrs X, shes so laid back and chilled. Yet grumpy guts always seems to  have a bee in his bonnet about something.  Same goes for his brother as well.

Another 2 mates have kicked off at each other and have included a bunch of us as 'CC' on their emails!!.  Get a grip chaps, your way old enough to behave better than 2 school kids.

Feeling pretty low at the mo due to it being 7 years, 3 years and 4 years that 3 close mates have passed away (see previous blogs for full details).  I hate this time of year for that reason.  All i want is a hug.........

Been a while.....

Work has been manic due to 1 sacking and 2 quittings in a week.  Coz of this my work load shot up and its just returned to normal now...after 6 months!!.  What else has happened?

M is now engaged and seem happy.  Not seen her for ages now but have exchanged a few texts with her and its so good to see her this happy.

C is still ignoring me, and to be honest i really don't care if i never see her again but i would love to sit her down and ask "did you set out to use me for money?"  Bumped into her sis a while ago and discovered that she, the sis, is still feeding me a pack of lies about C.  Hmmmm and to think i nearly slept with the sis as a way of getting back at C.  Glad i didn't!.

Still single, still getting confusing sign from various females i know, inc a client of mine.  Shes an older woman and we get on well.  Saw her for the first time in 3 months the other day and she was like a giggly school girl with me!.  Have to say given the chance i would like to take things further with her, we shall see what happens....

...so my sis had just turned up to talk to mum about the tests.  It seems from the conversation i am hearing that both sisters have been talking to her about the outcome of the tests for a while.  So why couldn't i have been told what i've just heard.  The child mums looking after must of heard what was said.  I very nearly asked outright "whats the score then.." but thought why should i?.  I'm the oldest in the family and for some reason i'm being kept out of stuff like this.  Surely i'm old enough to be spoken to like an adult?.  Sadly it appears not.  Sister currently down stairs knows all the ins and outs of whats going on....she has done for a while.  So as i suspected i am being kept in the dark...

After starting to feel normal again, i feel so Blahhhh at the moment.  Not only the above but found out this morning that Mr X's partners dad died this morning.  Having known the family for a a long time its come as a bit of a shock.

Couple of weeks ago came home and mum announced that she had been called back to the Doctors after a standard check for breast cancer, a test which all woman of a certain age are offered.  Some suspect lumps were found and biopsys taken.  Get home today to be told that the lumps are pre cancerous and they will be removed, but....."we can't talk about it in front of the kids....".

Mum is a child minder to a few kids and tonight the eldest is with us for tea.  She is one of these kids who panics at the slightest thing.  Her mum (a doctor) doesn't want to panic her kids by mum talking to HER kids (ie me) about the trip to the docs today.  WTF........more later

Update time........

L is ok, M is happy (new bloke and shes the happiest i've seen her for a long time!)  and C is still not talking to me!.  But for once the woman in my life ain't the reason i write this blog.

I work alot in schools and old people homes/sheltered accommodation.  The other day it struck me that we have turned the establishments for our young and old into prisons.

Take the schools i go to.  Very modern buildings which undoubtedly provide excellent teaching/learning, but why all the security?.  I arrive at reception, sign myself in.  Am i CRB checked, no, ah well you'll have to wait for an escort.  The person escorting me turns up and i kid you not sticks to me like glue.  There's some sucking of teeth when i tell them that they cannot be with me due to my own Health and Safety reasons, they have to 'ask their manager if thats ok'.  The escorts i used to have at an MOD building were more easy going!.  Once i was CRB checked (no escort reqd) it did get a bit easier but i'm not allowed to be on my own with the kids.  So when the bell goes i have to wait in reception while the kids move around.  I asked why all this security....."well you've got to think of the childrens safety, i mean you could be anyone".  Really...could i.....i've been CRB'd 5 times, cleared by the MOD, and a scout leader.  When i was at school there was no swipe cards to gain access to doors, no escorting of contractors, no suspicious glances from staff members if they can't see your name badge.  The kids don't really seem bothered by me being there, in fact they seem normal kids.  Its the teachers and parents that are the paranoid ones.

Old peoples homes/sheltered accommodation......or prisons?!.  Press button to talk to the careline poeple, they ask for a passcode.....get even one number wrong (and its easy to do as the code is a rubbish one) and they won't let you in.  So get into the building and start work.  "who are you, how did you get in"....."wheres your ID"....."does the warden know you are here, you need to let her know" and all of this off the residents, who announce their arrival with a creak of their front door as they peer round it to see whos trying to break into their flats.  One old lady called the police because, and i quote the policeman, "theres a funny looking man trying to nick the lift".

Why this paranoia....why do we treat our elderly and young like this.  Its sad in a way, very sad.

No one listens to me........sounds like a teenager, but no......

Sat in the pub the other night talking about various things.  Whenever i say something, no one listens.  Same at work. We've been really busy lately and i've tried to tell the boss that i need a hand.  But he didn't listen.  Coz of this a job that needed doing didn't get done.  One of the other lads got called out tonight because of this and i've just picked up 2 messages from him on my mobile.  Lets just say he's not happy and i've got to ring the boos in the morning.  It will all be my fault, regardless of what i say.  This couldn't of come at a worse time.  Work want 12 volunteers for redundancy.  Now is not the time to be poking ones head above the parapet so to speak.  Have to hope that various people will have calmed down by the morning.

If i do get made redundent, what to do next.  I've already decided that i'll get out of the industry i'm in.  Despite the money being good, i think a change would be good for me at the mo.  But maybe i should stick in the same in the same job and take my expertise elsewhere.  Hopefully i won't lose my job, but have to admit its playing on my mind.

Saw L a few days ago.  Was good to see her and catch up.  She's looking good but has had a few set backs in the man dept!!.  She asked about me and C (still the same) and gave me a telling off for not chasing her for the money she owes me.

So C is with her new bloke, re launching her show and is generally happy.  Where would she be if i hadn't lent her that money?....homeless probably.  What thanks do i get for this...nothing.  Shes even used some pics i took for her on a website and not credited me, which i asked her to.  Thanks C, thanks a bunch,

No not me!!.

After the many heart to hearts me and C had about other halfs and being with someone and how she likes being on her own (girl power n all that kinda thing..), and her telling me in 'that' phone call that she doesn't need the stress of being in a relationship right now blah blah blah.....i read with interest tonight that she is 'in a relationship with ...........'

Am i gutted?.  I guess i am a bit but not as much as i thought i would.  

Got home tonight to find no sign of dad.  He's never out this late.  I kinda knew where he was (over the farm sorting out a sick cow) but it would have been nice to have been left a note to say.  He's jut got in and came home earlier to tell Mum where he was going.  So why not leave me a note then chaps.....if your 2 daughters were here you would have done.  So why not me??