swedishrhapsody's Blog

Less Meh, more tired with a bit of ho hum

No H news.....

Spent Tuesday evening with M1.  I needed to talk to someone about the H drug thing and she offerd to cook me supper.  So we had supper and chatted.  I've known her years and knew her break up was hard, but until Tuesday i never realised how hard it hit her.  I made a comment about sometimes feeling like crawling under a rock.  Her response was heartbreaking........

M1: "sleep is great. you close your eyes, fall asleep and all is right with the world.  No worries, no feeling s*it....its great.  I've got no one to turn to SR.."
SR: "M1, dont be stupid.  I'm always here for you."
M1: " Oh don't.....really?.....oh thanks SR"

She thinks shes old, past it...that sort of thing.  Far from it, so M1 this ones for you:

I'm here for you M1.  Whatever you need ring me, anytime of day or night.  I know what you have gone through, been there myself.  No one else in our group knows, they are lucky never to have experinaced what we've been through.  You're also not old and past it.  Your good looking, and i know you know you'll think i'm mad for saying this, but i find you incredibly attractive.  We'll both find someone, i know we will.  Maybe we should be looking closer to home for the 'one' if you need me M1 ring/text/call.  

Saw C the other day as well....more on that soon!.

Feeling meh.....

Seem to have deleted my last blog for some reason, was just trying to tidy up a double post.  So lets start again......

H finally got in touch with me yesterday.  Been at her sisters all weekend and i needed to drop off the boxes for her house move.  So popped down to see her, was hoping to find the cuddly, laughing, touchy feely H from that Saturday night.  But no, the defensive, scowling H was still there!.  I moved some stuff for her, she made me coffee. Was nice sat here talking about nothing in particular, just chilling out.  Then she dropped the bombshell, the big, huge, massive type.  We were talking about drugs tests, both our jobs use these as a way of monitering employees for use of illeagle drugs.

H:"Did my test last week, thank god its been a while"
SR:"You been smoking special stuff again H?!"
H:" God no, hate that stuff.  Lets just say it was something stronger...."

Lets just say its something you would snort......

She then went to justify why she did/does it. "Makes me feel good", "was doing it 3 times a week earleir this year", "had to wean myself off", "i'm in control, i've got an adictive personality and know when to stop".  By this point i was horrified....i nearly went off on one at her for it but thought better of it.  I asked few questions:

SR:"when did you last take it H?"
H:"end of October at that wedding i went to"
SR:"so you've not done it since then?"
H;"No, good job to, what with the drugs test!"

By know my head was spinning, no idea what to think at all.  Here is someone i really really like admiting to taking hard core drugs, and seemingly not bothered by it.  She then went to describe how when high on the stuff, she remembers everything....its all very real for her...."sex when high is fantastic, i remember everything unlike when i'm just drunk"......then i had one of those light bulb moments.  So H this next bit is for you..........

Remember you told me that your ex had pulled a 21 years old?.  You told me that before...that Saturday night when we 'Slept' together.  The same night we were both drunk.  You wanted me to finish my bottle of wine so you could start your next one. So going on what you told me about not remembering things when drunk, and i may be putting 2+2 together and getting 12 knew your ex had pulled a 21 year old, wanted to get your own back, so got drunk and got me into bed, knowing that you would probably not remember anything.  But you do.....  You know i like you, or should i say liked you.....

I have morals H, a bit of weed i'm ok with but the stuff your on.....sorry but i cant abide that.  So i'll be blunt with you.....we can never be more than mates now. Suggesting you may bring some on holiday with you, and telling me our friend wants to try it with you....WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU PLAYING AT?!.  You musr realise that if the test comes back positive, then its over for well paid job, no mortage, no house.  Why risk all this for 20 mins of intense pleasure.......i really thought we could be more than mates H, i really did.  even had a a whole speech worked out to tell how i feel about you.  Well no point in that now.  So i'll leave you with this H........we are still mates just about, but if you bring that stuff away on holiday or introduce our mate to the stuff, i will never, ever speak to you again.  I will also make sure that all of our mates know as well.  Sorry H but thats the way i feel.  Yes i'm a nice boy as you called me, but i aint changing.  I was prepared to offer you the world, prepared to spend more time with you, prepared to give you the life you want.  But no.....its not to be.  Hope you sort yourself out H, i really do.

So there you have it.  Yet again find someone i really like, willing to put some effort in and they turn out to be drugged up loon.

Feeling ok, i guess....

Supposed to meet C yesterday but work got in the way so suggested to her we meet next week.  Got a message off her last night asking if i got her text about this last week.  Seems she is keen to meet up........part of me is thinking "may be shes grown up and aint such a spoilt brat" and part of me is thinking "whats she want".  I'll admit that if i get the chance i will take things further with her, alot further!!.  But i need to be careful.  I know she gets pregnant at the drop of a hat....certainly dont want that!.

Worried to bits about F now.  Not in a good place and posted she was feeling sad and really teary.  Have to admit i've felt the same but i know thats coz i've wound myself up over H.  F, i'm here for you if you need me.  Ring, text, send smoke signals etc etc.

Angry...fed up...lonely

M1 suggested i write a letter to H but dont send it.  I've did this before with W and forgot what a tonic it is.  Wrote a longer, more, detailed version of the bit in my last blog.  Really poured my heart out to her.........i woke up feeling really good, had a really good day, felt really positive.....then about 30 mins ago i felt the same as before.  

Spoke to a client of mine today about the whole H thing.  I've known R for 5 years or so.  She listened to me patiently pour my heart out about C a few years and it was good to see her again.  I told her the whole story, she listened, laughed, looked shocked and said to me "dont blame yourself SR, shes still clinging to him for some reason.  She feels guilty about what you two did".  She then told me about the crap shes gone through, crashing her car, her mum passing away and some numptie partner of her being an arse (who i think i know!...).  All in all a good day but....

All i wanna so is find someone to be with, someone to spend evenings with doing stuff watching tv..that sort of thing.  All i wanna do is treat a woman right.....why then are some of my most wonderful female mates with complete twunts.

Mr X....need i say any more.
BV's other half, J.  Got caught playing around before, he'll do it again
W, mate which me H and F know.  he's got a wonderful fiance, yet he freely admits to cheating on her......
F...please dump that numptie you're with.  You've dumped him twice already, i know this as you've told me, with tears pouring out.  Why go back........

It really annoys me that there are so many decent woman out there with complete numpties in tow.  Yet theres me, willing to give it all to keep someone happy, stuck on my own in a constant battle with lonelyness, being taken for a ride.  It really does suck!!.  

Told R about C wanting to meet up.  She looked at me said "what you gonna do?".  I said "will meet her for coffee and see what happens".  To which the beautiful R said;
"You gonna try and sh*g her then?...."

Feeling odd, but a good odd

H is still being odd...a FB chat between the 6 of us going away started last night.  I was out at the time as there was no way i was waiting in for H to ring say if she was home or not, not playing them games again!.  The chat was about paying her the money and the stuff being sorted out for us to do.  H pops up at laughing and joking, theres a joke about her and F not being shared, lots of flirting with the married bloke, then i make a comment about something and H appears to vanish.  Got a text of her saying the only day shes going to be home early would be today.....knwoing i'm on call!.  I made a comment about that being called sods law and what was she doing at the weekend....  Visiting her sister and doesn't know what time she'll be home on the sunday.........Pi**ed off doesn't even come close to how i'm feeling at the mo.  So H, this next bit is for you........

Please stop what ever games you are playing. I do genuinely like you, alot.  I've gone out of my way to get you boxes for you to move house, all i ask is that you talk to me.  I saw your last FB status last nigth abotu you feeling so down.  Thats why i texted you, to make sure you are ok.  I care a great deal about you H, i really do.  I've never ever felt like this about a woman.  I want you to be happy, i want to be with you, i want to help you.  Please dont ignore me, a simple text to say you are ok will go along way.  if i'm being too full one, tell me...i aint phsyic......Spoke to my mate M1 today, explained what has gone on between us (dont worry, i trust her not to say anything, she doesn't know any of us lot).  She told me to back off, i was going to ring you this afternoon but she convinced me not to.  H, please get in touch with me...a simple text to say "Hi, i'm ok" will go a long way.

Totally out the blue i got a message from C today.  She asked where i got some glass from, and feeling crap from H, i kept the chat going.  she asked if i as still living at home, Yes...."you happy"...."Yeah, got stuff on my mind but thats me being me".  For some reason i suggested we go for coffee.  No idea why i did it and wan't expecting her to say "of course".  its been 4 years since we last saw each other...what have i done?!?!?!

More random thoughts.....

Spoke to H yesterday.  Shes got a date to move house and have said i'll help her move.  Rang just to let her the offer was still there.  Left a voice mail, and was surprised when i got a reply saying ring me when you can.  Rang her back and we had a chat about things.  All being well i'll be seeing her next week to drop some boxes off.  Although i aint holding my breathe!.  Shes blowing hot and cold lots lately.

Since me and H 'slept' together, both H and BV made me relaise just how hung up on W i am/have been.  Never relaised it until H told me in bed!!.  Having now admitted this, i find myself feeling alot better about W.  Even to the point where i have thoguht getting in touch with her!.  Not done it yet, my unblock her from my FB and see what happens. i know shes still on at least mates list.

Noticed that the views of my blogs seem to be growing.  Also have a suspicion that people i know may be reading this, so............if you think you know the real name behind this blog, then send me an email/or next time you see me and ask "Have you heard Swedish Rhapsody lately?".  If you do know who i am, then please by all means talk to me directly about this blog but not to our friends pls!

wonderful couple of days...woo hoo

Last 2 days have been wonderful.  Why you ask, well i'm in the middle of a weeks holiday and have managed to catch up with 2 of the most wonderful, amazing woman i know!.

Tuesday saw me heading north to see M. Its been about 4 years since we've seen each other and have to say i was a bit apprehensive about what reaction i would get.  I needn't of been worried at all.  She came bouncing down the stairs from her office, saw me, started giggling and flung her arms round me.  The happy, charming gorgeous M i first knew in 2008 is back.  She looked stunning as ever and it felt soooo good to see her again.  We chatted about everything and anything, she told me about the blokes shes been dating since she broke off her engagment last year, i told her about H, she told me all about her son and how well he's doing at be honest i've been looking forward to this for such a long time.  She gave me some pretty harsh advice about H and what i should do ("don't you dare go there SR, remember how you felt when W left you.....what do you mean she wants kids?!"). We sat and chatted, laughed joked, giggled..just like all them years ago.  All too soon she ahd to go back to work.  We left the coffee shop and she headed for her office.  Shes never been one to hug me in public, especially at work.  As we stood outside her office door, she flung her arms round me, planted a smacker of kiss on my lips, we hugged, said how we've missed each other, hugged again and then she walked off, gave me a cheeky wink and grin as she walked up the stairs.

Then today i met up with W (not that one, the nice one!).  Not seen her since last year at her birthday.  Good weather, good food and beautiful company...what more could i ask for.  W told me all about the problems her bloke has been having ( health issues with him) and how shes been.  I've always had a soft spot for W, shes an attractive, clever, funny woman and knowing what shes going through with her bloke, i really do feel for her and admire her for being so strong with all the stuff shes been through and will continue to go through.  We had a good day mooching round a few things near her house.  Headed back to hers via her mates house to pick up a dog (!).  Had a quick cuppa and it was time to go.  We stood on her door step and hugged.....a long tight hug...i looked at her and said:

SR:"W, if you want to talk about things, anything at all, then you know where i am.  I can be here in 30 mins or you come down to mine"
W:"Oh SR...thanks alot....your a good mate" she hugged me again and saw tears in her eyes....

So to W.  I meant what i said. I can only imagine what you are going through.  How you have stayed so strong over the last year or so is beyond me.  I know you've found it tough, i could tell today when we spoke about how your hubby is doing.  I want to be there for you....i will be there for you xx wonderful, funny, stunning person.  Always liked you, always have always will.  Thanks for your advice on H, kinda knew you would say this and you are, as ever, right.  Your face when i told you her age was a picture!.  I know you miss C, known you long enough to tell that!.  Remember what you told me 5 years ago...stuff like this happens for a reason.  I'm just glad you broke things off rather than hope things mend themselfs.  I'm here if you need me M xx.

H....what have i done...why are you ignoring me again?.  I've tried to keep in touch. But no repsonse.  May sound daft but when someone texts you its courtsey to'll respond instantly to your ex, but not me?!.  Confused.....


Soooo since me and H spent the night together, my mind is completly mullered!.  We're still friends, still talking, still texting...but she has changed her attitude toward me.

Went for a meal with her last Monday.  I had to pick up stuff from near her house, so suggested we went to dinner, my treat.  Her job is like mine, shes either busy and home late, or gets home early.  She said she was gonna be late so long story short i got to hers round about 6pm.  Found her flat and had a quick coffee, talked about her house shes buying and walked to the pub.  The happy, open, wanting to hold hands and cuddle H of that Saturday night had gone.  The arms folded, not wanting to walk beside me, defensive H was out that night.  We had a good meal (my treat) and chatted about lots of things...including how shes "still in love with her ex and i need to sort my head out about him first".  Talk about being kicked in the guts.......There was nothing i could i do except just listen to her.  Walked back to her flat, used her bathroom and walked into the living room to say goodbye.  I wasnt expecting a hug at all but as i stood there in the door way, she was sat on the sofa.  She sighed, got up walked over to me, sort of hugged me (making sure we didnt kiss...), sighed again and looked at me:

Me: "you ok H
H: "Yeah, i'm fine.....SSIIGGHH"
Me:"you sure?"
H:"I'm fine, just tired SR"
Me:"look after youself H, you know where i am, ring me for whatever"

She looked at again, and her eyes teared up.  Before i could say anything, she sat down muttering about texting her ex as his grandad had just died.  I took the hint, said goodbye to her cats and left.  Spoke to her yesterday and she seemed fine.  I'm confused now big time.........still going on hols with her in Feb...and still sharing a bed apprently......confused beyond belief at the mo!.

On the plus side seeing M on Wednesday for the first time in 4 years.  

Dont shut me out

Please H, dont shut me out.  All i did was ring you for a chat to see how you are.  Surely last saturday means something, it meant alot to me.  I hope that what happened wasn't just you using me.  Hope not as i'll be heart broken.  Please ring me like you said you would.....please.......

well...wasn't expecting that

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Womans pt2

Rang F this morning to find what she meant by the text last night.  Took until this afternoon to get in touch with her.  Seems after our phone call yesterday, H told F that she likes me and thinks i'm "well fit"!.  F asked had i thought about the same way.......

I have, sort of.  Last time we i saw her it was abvious she liked me as she made a bee line for me and was never more than a few paces away.  Have to admit i did think it would be kinda fun to be in a relationship with her but, and its a big but.  She confided in me that the reason she split with her Hubby and last boyfriend was due to the fact that she wants to settle down and have kids.  They didn't......

Me personally i dont have an issue with the settleing down thing, but this wanting kids thing freaked me out a bit.  W did exactly the same, she claimed it would "sort her head out".  H hates being alone and both me and F think she wants a kid so she aint lonely.  I can kinda understand W wanting more kids, she was 44 and would have been the last chance.  H is 28.......

Had a long chat with F about how i felt about H before, and now i know how she feels about me.  I feel flattered, happy, nervous.........F told H that i'm not her type, and she kinda agreed.  I'll be seeing them both is a few weeks.  Be intersting to see how H behaves towards me!.

Womans-not expecting that

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Cant stop thinking about certain people....

It all started when i was watching Back to the future.  What would i do if i could go back in time?......  This started me off thinking about both W and C for some reason!. If i was still with W would we have kids, where would we live, would we be happy and what would our sex life be like.  With C it was what if we had had the chat, and she felt the same about me, would we be together, would we of had kids, would we be happy and what our sex life was like.  No idea why i started doing this, after all these 2 ladies have hurt me so much and theres me imagining happy familys with them!.  In case you were wondering, heres my answers to the above.

W:  Kids yes, she wanted them, "it might calm me down" was her claim. Living in the Lake District.  Would we be happy......hard to say.  Sex life, probably not alot

C: Kids, possibly although probably no, Living in town, happy...Nope probably arguing all the time.  Sex life would consist of lots of make up sex.

So why am i thinking like this.  No idea at all, not a clue.  

Feeling useless...again....

Before i went away i was supposed to email the boss re a job at work.  He texted me the day before " haven't recived the info for that jopb, which is odd......"  I took that to mean that he hadn't heard back from the sub contractor we were using.  Just been going thru the PC doing some tidying up...and found the missing my draft folder.

I know we all make mistakes, and this sort of thing happens, but i feel like total crap now.  The client has been moaning big time about the job not being done, i've apologised to him for the apparent lack of interest from the boss...and its my fault for not sending the email.  

I try my hardest to do me job, and this happens.  I try and keep the boss happy, clients happy...and this happens.  I sat with one of the sales girls today.  We both feel the same at the mo, ignored, kept in the dark, feed s**t at work.  We're both fed up with doing other peoples get the idea.  

I know nothing will come of the email cock up, hopefully.  But i still feel completly crap...useless....fed up.....ignored.....i'm now paranoid that i'll not hear the phone on call this weekend.  No sleep for me then...checking phone..waking up thiunking its ringing...worrying.  

Talking of the sales girl.  Shes a lovely person, same age as me, couldn't help think she was flirting with me during our chat/maon about work.  Do i ask her out for a drink, or is dating a work colleauge asking for trouble?!.

A general rant/moan/whinge/ it what you want!!

It seems socitity as we know it has reached a point where everything is an epic problem. Take rained a bit and was a bit windy.  Nothing too bad, a few small twigs on the floor, some mildly deep puddles, that sort of thing.  But if you beleive the press, well its the end of the world.  A few tents blow down at a festival and the whole thing gets cancelled..."i was like running around screaming, trying to find tent pegs.  i thought it was the end...".  A council puts out sandbags by a small stream (which in the pic is about 8-9ft from said sandbags).  Cue locals standing around "watching the river waiting for ti to burst its banks".  FFS people get a grip.  Its a bit of rain and wind thats all.  Noah aint coming back in his ark!!

Also stop with the "can i get a/some...." when asking for stuff in shops.  The correct way would be "Could i have a/some..".

BV is still up to something, Mrs X still looks stunning, C is still a conning weasel, Mr X and bro still shout at the smallest of things.  Nothing much has changed.

Its all getting a bit odd.......

Firstly, bad memory time again for me.  No details but we suffered a death at work yesterday.  Bloke was a few years younger than me and had a family.  Bought back lots of memories of the night A died and the aftermath of that.  RIP chap, we spoke once a few months back.  Off to the big palnt room in the sky.

Right now the oddness.  Over the last few weeks BV and C (mates wife) have taken flirting with me to a whole, different level.  Its gone from harmless inuendo to BV telling me she wants a 3 some, and C saying she would join in as well!.  Also in the last 10 mins another mates wife found out i'm going to a party in the woods, jokingly i mentioned that there may some drunken nudity (not me, wouldn't want to scare people!) and she now wants to come along and join in and "take some pics of the naked people".   Confused face on....

blast from the past continued.....

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A blast from the past....

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Shes up to something....

BV is still being odd.  We had a most bizzare and down right rude chat on Friday, can't reveal what we talked about as it was too adult even for the pub!!.   The internet would probably explode as well.......why did we have this chat, why with me, why even consider having a chat like that with your mate...why...why...why...what are you up to??.

Over new year she moaned that J spends too much time with his ex and her family, understandable why she may find that upsetting.  So why then would you go for coffee with said Ex and invite her to pop into your shop...oh and go for tea at Ex's mums house.  if you can't cope with J spending time with her, why are you doing it??. She left J baby sitting the ex's son last night and came down the pub with us.  Just down right bizzare......then we got talking about, and i quote, "horrid things that happened to me when i was younger and how i coped with them".....that was enough for me, making my excuses i went to talk to Mrs X about cameras instead.  Far safer and that doesn't mess with my head!.  

Don't get me wrong shes a loverly person but i cant help thiking shes gonna casue trouble between us lot...big trouble....

Feeling kinda insignifcant

Beginning of a new term at scouts and one of the older kids left.  His parents gave us leaders a bottle of wine each, in a nice wine bag from a supermarket.  Along with a nice card.  As we left i took a bottle of wine out.  Going away at the weekend and thought i would take it with me.  B, one of the other lads looked at me and said "what you doing?".  Said i was going away etc etc and was gonna take it with me.  Nothing more was said...until later in the pub.

With the gang all there, B was asked how scouts went.  "Oh fine, all good...but you'll never guess what SR did" this point i know whats coming.

B: " ...... parents gave us a thank you card and some wine to say thanks for all we've done and gave us some wine"

General noises of approvel from the rest of the group.

B: "Me and the rest of leaders decided to leave the wine in the bag and donate it to the next camp.....Guess who didn't.....guess who took a bottle of wine......yeah SR....everyone else is sharing the wine".

With that he looked at me with a manic grin then looked back to the rest of the group for approval.  Cue the snide comments all evening and me feeling like i've done something wrong.  

B has always been a bit of an arse.  He too got caught putting something of his in someone elses wife, same time as J, different person same organisation involved.  Got a bad temper as well.  He did mellow a bit when he got married to the wonderful K, but still has his moments.  Sooooooo all evening the snide comments kept on coming about a sodding bottle of wine.  Its a bottle of wine for gods sake......

1-20 of 160 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Less Meh, more tired with a bit of ho hum, posted December 7th, 2014
Feeling meh....., posted December 1st, 2014
Feeling ok, i guess...., posted November 29th, 2014
Angry...fed up...lonely, posted November 27th, 2014
Feeling odd, but a good odd, posted November 26th, 2014
More random thoughts....., posted November 23rd, 2014
wonderful couple of days...woo hoo, posted November 19th, 2014
phew......, posted November 16th, 2014
Dont shut me out, posted November 6th, 2014
well...wasn't expecting that, posted November 2nd, 2014
Womans pt2, posted October 11th, 2014
Womans-not expecting that, posted October 10th, 2014
Cant stop thinking about certain people...., posted August 17th, 2014
Feeling useless...again...., posted August 15th, 2014
A general rant/moan/whinge/ it what you want!!, posted August 10th, 2014
Its all getting a bit odd......., posted June 24th, 2014
blast from the past continued....., posted May 25th, 2014
A blast from the past...., posted May 22nd, 2014
Shes up to something...., posted May 11th, 2014
Feeling kinda insignifcant, posted April 29th, 2014
Car passed test...Woo hoo, posted April 5th, 2014
Weeks holiday...woo hoo, posted March 5th, 2014
Arrrggghhh...., posted January 26th, 2014
Friends....can you really trust them, posted January 4th, 2014
In need of a hug/someone to talk to/a special someone, posted December 8th, 2013
Sigh...feeling good but slightly down...., posted November 24th, 2013
Its hat time...., posted October 1st, 2013
Feeling odd again, posted September 12th, 2013
I'm back....., posted August 18th, 2013
Happy Holidays?!?!, posted July 23rd, 2013
Wanting to disappear...., posted July 11th, 2013
More memories and odd feelings, posted June 23rd, 2013
Lies......its all lies...., posted May 22nd, 2013
Feeling rubbish again...., posted May 15th, 2013
Thank god for being anonoymouse!!, posted April 7th, 2013
Good and bad memories, posted March 24th, 2013
What to do next....., posted January 13th, 2013
Moments of clarity, posted January 10th, 2013
Festive shizzle, posted December 25th, 2012
Not sure how i should be feeling at the moment...., posted December 15th, 2012
All i want is someone to be with....., posted November 24th, 2012
A most splendid day, posted October 28th, 2012
Good news...woo hoo..., posted October 6th, 2012
I'm the invisable man......, posted September 13th, 2012
Memories......, posted September 5th, 2012
Anything for an easy life....., posted August 23rd, 2012
Still here...., posted July 17th, 2012
Feeling invisable Pt2, posted November 23rd, 2011
Feeling invisable, posted November 23rd, 2011
Paranoia of the masses, posted October 9th, 2011
1-50 of 165 Blog Posts   

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