It all started when i was watching Back to the future. What would i do if i could go back in time?...... This started me off thinking about both W and C for some reason!. If i was still with W would we have kids, where would we live, would we be happy and what would our sex life be like. With C it was what if we had had the chat, and she felt the same about me, would we be together, would we of had kids, would we be happy and what our sex life was like. No idea why i started doing this, after all these 2 ladies have hurt me so much and theres me imagining happy familys with them!. In case you were wondering, heres my answers to the above.
W: Kids yes, she wanted them, "it might calm me down" was her claim. Living in the Lake District. Would we be happy......hard to say. Sex life, probably not alot
C: Kids, possibly although probably no, Living in town, happy...Nope probably arguing all the time. Sex life would consist of lots of make up sex.
So why am i thinking like this. No idea at all, not a clue.
Before i went away i was supposed to email the boss re a job at work. He texted me the day before " haven't recived the info for that jopb, which is odd......" I took that to mean that he hadn't heard back from the sub contractor we were using. Just been going thru the PC doing some tidying up...and found the missing email...in my draft folder.
I know we all make mistakes, and this sort of thing happens, but i feel like total crap now. The client has been moaning big time about the job not being done, i've apologised to him for the apparent lack of interest from the boss...and its my fault for not sending the email.
I try my hardest to do me job, and this happens. I try and keep the boss happy, clients happy...and this happens. I sat with one of the sales girls today. We both feel the same at the mo, ignored, kept in the dark, feed s**t at work. We're both fed up with doing other peoples jobs...you get the idea.
I know nothing will come of the email cock up, hopefully. But i still feel completly crap...useless....fed up.....ignored.....i'm now paranoid that i'll not hear the phone on call this weekend. No sleep for me then...checking phone..waking up thiunking its ringing...worrying.
Talking of the sales girl. Shes a lovely person, same age as me, couldn't help think she was flirting with me during our chat/maon about work. Do i ask her out for a drink, or is dating a work colleauge asking for trouble?!.
It seems socitity as we know it has reached a point where everything is an epic problem. Take today......it rained a bit and was a bit windy. Nothing too bad, a few small twigs on the floor, some mildly deep puddles, that sort of thing. But if you beleive the press, well its the end of the world. A few tents blow down at a festival and the whole thing gets cancelled..."i was like running around screaming, trying to find tent pegs. i thought it was the end...". A council puts out sandbags by a small stream (which in the pic is about 8-9ft from said sandbags). Cue locals standing around "watching the river waiting for ti to burst its banks". FFS people get a grip. Its a bit of rain and wind thats all. Noah aint coming back in his ark!!
Also stop with the "can i get a/some...." when asking for stuff in shops. The correct way would be "Could i have a/some..".
BV is still up to something, Mrs X still looks stunning, C is still a conning weasel, Mr X and bro still shout at the smallest of things. Nothing much has changed.
Firstly, bad memory time again for me. No details but we suffered a death at work yesterday. Bloke was a few years younger than me and had a family. Bought back lots of memories of the night A died and the aftermath of that. RIP chap, we spoke once a few months back. Off to the big palnt room in the sky.
Right now the oddness. Over the last few weeks BV and C (mates wife) have taken flirting with me to a whole, different level. Its gone from harmless inuendo to BV telling me she wants a 3 some, and C saying she would join in as well!. Also in the last 10 mins another mates wife found out i'm going to a party in the woods, jokingly i mentioned that there may some drunken nudity (not me, wouldn't want to scare people!) and she now wants to come along and join in and "take some pics of the naked people". Confused face on....
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BV is still being odd. We had a most bizzare and down right rude chat on Friday, can't reveal what we talked about as it was too adult even for the pub!!. The internet would probably explode as well.......why did we have this chat, why with me, why even consider having a chat like that with your mate...why...why...why...what are you up to??.
Over new year she moaned that J spends too much time with his ex and her family, understandable why she may find that upsetting. So why then would you go for coffee with said Ex and invite her to pop into your shop...oh and go for tea at Ex's mums house. if you can't cope with J spending time with her, why are you doing it??. She left J baby sitting the ex's son last night and came down the pub with us. Just down right bizzare......then we got talking about, and i quote, "horrid things that happened to me when i was younger and how i coped with them".....that was enough for me, making my excuses i went to talk to Mrs X about cameras instead. Far safer and that doesn't mess with my head!.
Don't get me wrong shes a loverly person but i cant help thiking shes gonna casue trouble between us lot...big trouble....
Beginning of a new term at scouts and one of the older kids left. His parents gave us leaders a bottle of wine each, in a nice wine bag from a supermarket. Along with a nice card. As we left i took a bottle of wine out. Going away at the weekend and thought i would take it with me. B, one of the other lads looked at me and said "what you doing?". Said i was going away etc etc and was gonna take it with me. Nothing more was said...until later in the pub.
With the gang all there, B was asked how scouts went. "Oh fine, all good...but you'll never guess what SR did"......at this point i know whats coming.
B: " ...... parents gave us a thank you card and some wine to say thanks for all we've done and gave us some wine"
General noises of approvel from the rest of the group.
B: "Me and the rest of leaders decided to leave the wine in the bag and donate it to the next camp.....Guess who didn't.....guess who took a bottle of wine......yeah SR....everyone else is sharing the wine".
With that he looked at me with a manic grin then looked back to the rest of the group for approval. Cue the snide comments all evening and me feeling like i've done something wrong.
B has always been a bit of an arse. He too got caught putting something of his in someone elses wife, same time as J, different person same organisation involved. Got a bad temper as well. He did mellow a bit when he got married to the wonderful K, but still has his moments. Sooooooo all evening the snide comments kept on coming about a sodding bottle of wine. Its a bottle of wine for gods sake......
As subject heading, car passed no problem at all. Got a lift from one the lads.
The whole BV thing has been bothering me. Ever since our chat at new year about things, i've wondered why...why talk to me. Why not talk to Mrs X, same ages etc etc. Why not Mr X, after all him and J have been as thick as thieves for many many years. For the last few weeks all she says to me is "still got that twinkle in your eye SR, you've got a girly aint you". Then last night, randomly, she says to me "you were drunk last time i saw you in here weren't you?" WTF are you on about woman. I ain't been properly drunk since a 50th birthday party the end of last year. Another thing......few weeks back she messaged me on FB asking if i wanted to come to a meal for her birthday. I said "sounds good but will let you know as i am not sure if i'll be around that weekend". Said weekend comes along and i forget about it completly due to crap at work and the fact i was on call and 100 miles away. Fast forward to last sunday, went round to pick Mr X up. I walk into their kitchen and see BV and J having tea.
BV: "Ah SR, how are you?"
SR:" Fine ta, you, had a good week at work?"
BV:"Oh crap to start with, then L(J's ex) came to see me and my best mates girlfriend popped in as well"
BV:"you know when someone asks you out for a meal.."
SR:"Yeah..sorry about that"
BV:"...and you say you'll let them know if you are coming....."
SR:"Yes..i know..work had me on call at short notice..."
BV:"I sat there all night waiting for you to turn up...."
With that Mr X kinda rescues me as it time to leave. In a way i cant help thinking that BV is trying to split the group. Why....no idea....but the more i talk to her the more of a nagging feeling i get.
Ok......so work has been crap the last 2 months. 2 areas to look after, lots of driving led to me booking a week off to do what i want, when i want. Currently geting ready to go home tomorrow.......
Last week before i went away i told Mr X and co what my plans were. No idea why as i knew the response i would get. "why are you doing that" "whats the point..." "waste of holiday time at work..." and this afternoon whilst walking around a wood taking pics i got "...and you wonder why your single..." whilst talking to M1 on the phone. She asked me what i was up to, i told her and got the above repsonse.
That really really annoyed me. She rang me originally as she needs stuff moved, again....then i realised that all my mates only ring me if they want something. I seem to spend my life doing things for other people. If it aint work related ie replying to emails when i get home, i'm either moving stuff for M1, helping Mr X and his buddies, doing things at/for scouts, sorting out simple stuff at home for mum and dad that gets so blown out proportion it becomes an epic problem. But when i want to do something or need a hand.....no chance.
Got the cars annual test soon. Need to drop it off across town. So my plan was to drop van off at garage, get a lift home then drive truck down next day and pick van up. So all i need is a lift back home when i drop the van off and a lift to get the van the day after. So i ask around for a lift....M1 is working out of town....mum and dad are child minding.....Mr X is 'still at f****ng work then'......His brother said the same....etc etc. The only people who could help are Mrs X and the Boss!!. So i've decided that i'll sort myself out, that way i owe no one any favours. Even if it means walking home at least 4 miles.
Hence the reason i booked this last week off. All i wanted to do was do what i want, when i want. Which, to a large degree, i have done. But that comment by M1 is still ringing in my mind....
Ok since the last blog i haven't seen BV since our chat. I did briefly see her on friday but only a very fleeting hello/goodbye as i left the club. No idea whats going on between her and J, and to be honest i don't care. The whole Mr X thing has now got to a point where he goes off on one at the slightest provacation. Can be as simple as someone appearing not to be listening to him. Arms folded....lots of huffing and puffing...pursing of lips and shouting "no one listens to me...blah blah blah". We now don't go out on Saturday nights. Why.....well Mr X and his brother have decided that they dont like the people that get in the club on a Saturday, one person in particular. So rather then tell this person to bugger off, 'we' no longer go out. Both Mr X and his brother are the types that always have to have stress and something to worry about. Brother won't pay for broadband at home so brings the laptop down the club to use wi fi. When it doesn't connect, its always a huge, massive, problem with arms flailing. Mr X then gets upset because his brother is getting shouty and making an arse of himself. Sad really, becasue that the reason it hadn't connected was the wifi on the laptop wasn't turned on!.
One of the old barmaids has come back. Pretty woman called B. Theres a bit of history between her and an old mate, but that was ages ago and went no where. I get on well with B and spent a fair bit of time talking to her at the bar the other night. Nothing in particular, just general chatting. She asked me why i looking fed up and i explained that something from my time with W had just popped up. We spoke of W breifly and that was all. Went to sit down with Mr X and co and all i got from him and his brother was "...you do realise shes mad, remember J1 tried to see her and the kids got in the way.." I did ask what the hell are they talking about and whats the problem but just got more of the same. I did point out that i was just chatting to her about nothing in particular but got a "yeah...right" from Mr X. Now i would be lying if i said that i haven't had naughty thoughts about B, shes a gorgeous brunette with a slim body with curves in the right places. But she is married, and i respect that and have no intention of splitting a family up!.
During on of Mr X's rants in the pub the other night, i saw something i have enver seen before. As he was making a mountain out of a mole hill, Mrs X put her head in her hands and shook her head. Everyone else noticed apart from...Mr X..her partner of 25+ years...the one person who should have noticed. I've said it before, and i'll say it again. Shes a lovely woman who deserves someone who knows how to behave in public and not emabarress her!.
Had a most interesting chat with one of the lads partners the other day....but first we need to go back a few years. Just over 20 years ago, one of the lads (J) got caught putting something of his into someone elses wife!. Mr X caught them at it......Now at the time J was enagaged to Mrs X's best mate. It was a very fraught time for all. Several others knew what J was up to but didn't say anything etc etc. One night in the pub it all came out what was going on. Mr X then had to tell Mrs X what was going on....this did not go down well and within a few days J's fiance (Miss Y) was told the bad news by Mrs X. Theres alot more to how we ended up in this mess but it's not relevent to the story.
So J has been caught, his other half is very upset and Mrs X hates J with a passion. All perfectly normal reactions if you ask me. About 3 months after this Miss Y announces that she has asked J to marry her and he has said yes. At the time i wasn't part of the group so didn't get invited to the wedding but its was, from what i've heard, a bit tension filled. At the time i suggested that Miss Y has done this for revenge. I was told to stop being nasty......3 years later Miss Y divorces J and takes him for £25,000. So back to the other day.
I was on a short break with Mr X and co. Decided that i was going to investigate some stuff and was just heading out when J's current partner (BV) asks if she can join me. Somewhat confused i agreed. Totally out of the blue BV asks me if i know about a woman that J has been seeing on and off for a few years. I replied no i didn't and before i could say anything else BV tells me just after she first met Mrs X, they met for coffee and she told BV all about how J cheated on her best mate etc etc. BV and J have been together for 2 years ish. I was a bit stunned at this and kinda changed the subject, but BV changed it back. Turns out that Mrs X told her that they were only together for 3 months before they divorced and how she hates J for cheating on Miss Y. More and more stuff they talked about came out and i was asked again about this other woman J is seeing. I had to change the subject at this point as i needed time to think so managed to get us talking about my troubles with W. Now at this point i class BV as mate and said to her "who else have you told about this other woman and the texts?". She replied "no one, i only trust real friends with stuff like that, your the only one" followed by fluttering of eye lids.
Throughout the rest of the week, snide comments from Mrs X, Mr X and his brother tell me that they know about the other woman...from BV...who told Mrs X...etc. Now don't get me wrong, J did cheat on Miss Y, which is wrong, but what everyone has failed to remember is that Miss Y did infact cheat on J on her hen do...with her now husband and Mrs X knew about this at the wedding (told you it was a bit tense!)
Because of this i now don't/cannot trust any of my so called trusted friends....and i hate that.
I feel crap, not man flu type crap but just feeling rubbish......
Started after W's party. I managed to convince myself that because W hadn't posted anything on her party group on FB something terrible had happened to her. This got to a point where i would sit at the PC, constantly refreshing the page..hoping she would post something....thinking all sorts had happened to her. I knew deep down i was panicing, even told myself several times but i still sat there...all of sunday evening...constantly checking the phone on Monday at work to see if she was using chat. She did post, late on Monday. I knew she would. But i got myself into such a state.
For the last 2 weeks M (the other M from school) has been waiting for some results from hospital. It could have been dreadful news, but am glad to say its all good news. So on the day of the results, what did i do.....when i hadn't heard from her i, again, convinced myself that it was bad news, she was having counselling, had been admitted, was a gibbering wreck at home etc etc. I gave in and rang her at midday. She was ok and, unsurprisingly was having a rest and chill out. Me...i was a quivering mess.
I worry about the smallest of things, and the smallest of things about people i care about are the worst. It can be something as innocent as a status post on FB about someone not feeling well, or a comment about someone. Thats enough for me to imagine all sorts of horrible things going on.
My only escape from this worrying is work...sad i know...but its the only thing that keeps me sane at the mo!.
Last night was the other W's big birthday party. Was a splendid evening of tea partys, hats and seeing people i haven't seen for a long time. Near the end of the evening i managed to catch up with the birthday girl. I asked how she was, she looked at me, went to speak, hesitated and looked at me...eyes filling up with tears. I was about to say "its your birthday, if its going to upset you tell me another time"...she then told me what was upsetting her. To be honest i'm not sure how many people know what she told me and for that reason i won't go into details. She's ok though and will have some pretty tough desicions to make at soom point. I gave her a hug and said if she ever needs to talk or get away, she knows where i am. She smiled and said thanks and changed the subject. Fast forward to the end of the evening......
Went to say goodbye to her as i left, she flung her arms round me we hugged...a long lingering hug.
W: Thanks so much for coming along SR, been really nice to see you
SR: No worries W, i enjoyed it. Was good to see you and the others....
W: You know what SR, you are going to make a wonderful husband for someone one day
W: If i wasn't married myself.....and wasn't called W
SR: I'm over that now....
W: Good, your such a kind bloke you deserve to meet someone special
SR: (again blushing....) If you want to talk about things W, please ring me or pop over
W: Thank you.......
We kissed and hugged and then it was time to go. Not sure either of us wanted it to end to be honest. What she said about me making a wonderful husband really made me smile...alot...all night and in fact most of today!!
So whats been going on lately......
Work has hopefully calmed down as of today. Time will tell but i've lost 31 units and gained 15 ish so hopefully will have time to meet up with the delightful M1 again. We still see each other every 3 months or so for coffee. Her attitude to me seems to be more of a friend now rather than...who knows.....we seemed pretty close up until a few months back. Almost like how C when she went odd on me. Shame as i still do like M1 but don't want to spoil things.
Seen a fair bit of Mrs X of late as well. Due to reasons i wont go into i've taken her to work the last few mornings. She looks gorgeous in her works cloths and my van now smells nice again due to her perfume. I know there will never, ever be anything between us other than friends, but i still find myself thinking what if.....
Been seeing a bit of a school mate as well, M2, She runs a shop in town, i pop in and see her when shes around. At school we never gave each other a second look. She hung around with the cool girls and i was a bit of a geek. Shes divorced and has a teenage daughter. I keep telling myself not to do what i did with C......but its hard not to. Shes needed a helping hand moving things, going to shops etc and i'm more than happy to help but i find myself having the same feelings for her as i did with C. I've already had the "i don't want to be a relationship etc etc" from her already!. We did have a lingering look into each others eyes as she was hanging over the side of her bed (long story.....) and she did catch me staring down her top as well, her response was "nice ain't they" and gave me a jiggle. But thats as far as we've got.
Can't really describe it, just feel blehhh to be honest. Had some really odd/wierd/bad dreams of late. The feeling of being wrong, constantly on edge, letting people down, being late and just generally being a waste of space feature alot. I guess its down to the whole too much work thing, it did happen before about 10 years ago....had all sorts of down right odd dreams then...but thats all they were odd. The recent dreams are odd but have a down right evil, nasty twist to them.
So the holiday/camp went ok i guess. Kids enjoyed it and the weather wasn't too bad. Usual shouting etc from Mr X and Co though. Small issue after we got back due to 'us' not observing the rules, but hey thats what we seem to do....now 'we' are all upset that 'we've' been caught. I'm not as 'we' seem to take the p*ss with stuff like this so its to be expected really!.
Work sucks.....no leadership at all and its just chaos at the moment. Found myself having naughty thoughts about Mrs X as well the other night. Shes been off work for a while and have to admit that its done her good. She was sat on the sofa in a lovely summer dress and i found it hard not to stare at her ample boobs.
Most people spend the last few days before a holiday thinking "its X days before i go on holiday...yay!!". Me....all i've been doing is thinking "this time next week there'll be 3 days to go before i come home...YAY!!". How sad is that............
It began last week. After much debating i bought a new car. Feeling chuffed with myself i told Mr X. His first words...."oh well done what you bought"........NO...........he scrunched his face up, looked at me and said "hast it got a tow bar?". i replied no, and even before i had chance to respond he shouted, yes shouted "WELL YOU'LL HAVE GET ONE FITTED BEFORE CAMP WON'T YOU". With that he went and told his brother and the rest of them. It was like the teachers pet telling on the naughty boy. "Sir, sir SR has bought a car and it hasn't got a towbar on Sir". I tried to argue my case against, such as i tow one trailer a year and can't see the point in getting one, but it fell on deaf ears.
A day later i called in to see Mr X's brother. He cast his eye over my new car, he likes it, said i had done well. "But it ain't got a tow bar on...." He then proceded to shout, yep more shouting, "its only £***, just get someone to fit it". I was so p*ssed off at this i made my excuses and left. Sunday night i detected a problem with the vehicle and mentioned this to the lads. "have you asked for your money back yet. If not why not....". It was at that point i gave up...never again will i share stuff with these people. All Mr X did when he heard of the problem was sneer "don't know why he bought it, its got no tow bar for gods sake".
The reason for the concern for no tow bar is, i tow the trailer for camp with the kit in. We take so much crap wth us we take a huge van, 2 trailers and 2 minibuses. The buses can't tow the trailer because "its too heavy". So if its too heavy for a twin wheeled mini bus, why do i have to tow it?. Yes i have a big 4x4 but i still think its way over weight. Anyway i digress.....
One of the lads has been hassleing me about the car and what the garage is doing about it. WTF has it to do with him....its my car, my money, my problem. Spoke to the garage today and hopefully will have an answer tomorrow, its looking good.
Should have gone out last night to the club. Didn't as i couldn't face the sneering etc etc. I just cant put up with it anymore. I just can't cope with stress at the moment....and Mr X's constant sneering, thinking people are always picking on him, making mountains out of mole hills....all i wanna do is scream...scream "Grow up you moaning, narcisstic fool".
It boils down to this....no one listens to what i say, be it at work, home or play. The only people that do are people who don't know me that well, clients of mine and other random types. I hate it......never thought i would say this but i so want to move away from it all.................
On the TV at the moment is a drama series called The White Queen. I can't stand stuff like that so have no intention of watching it, but just hearing it mentioned sends shivers down my spine.
There's a song by Queen by the same name........W was a huge Queen fan.......we had a pretty heavy chat one night about our fave songs. She wanted this played at her funeral. Why in gods name am i still thinking about W after nearly 5 years. Why can't i just forget her.........
Previous PostsCant stop thinking about certain people...., posted August 17th, 2014
Feeling useless...again...., posted August 15th, 2014
A general rant/moan/whinge/scream...call it what you want!!, posted August 10th, 2014
Its all getting a bit odd......., posted June 24th, 2014
blast from the past continued....., posted May 25th, 2014
A blast from the past...., posted May 22nd, 2014
Shes up to something...., posted May 11th, 2014
Feeling kinda insignifcant, posted April 29th, 2014
Car passed test...Woo hoo, posted April 5th, 2014
Weeks holiday...woo hoo, posted March 5th, 2014
Arrrggghhh...., posted January 26th, 2014
Friends....can you really trust them, posted January 4th, 2014
In need of a hug/someone to talk to/a special someone, posted December 8th, 2013
Sigh...feeling good but slightly down...., posted November 24th, 2013
Its hat time...., posted October 1st, 2013
Feeling odd again, posted September 12th, 2013
I'm back....., posted August 18th, 2013
Happy Holidays?!?!, posted July 23rd, 2013
Wanting to disappear...., posted July 11th, 2013
More memories and odd feelings, posted June 23rd, 2013
Lies......its all lies...., posted May 22nd, 2013
Feeling rubbish again...., posted May 15th, 2013
Thank god for being anonoymouse!!, posted April 7th, 2013
Good and bad memories, posted March 24th, 2013
What to do next....., posted January 13th, 2013
Moments of clarity, posted January 10th, 2013
Festive shizzle, posted December 25th, 2012
Not sure how i should be feeling at the moment...., posted December 15th, 2012
All i want is someone to be with....., posted November 24th, 2012
A most splendid day, posted October 28th, 2012
Good news...woo hoo..., posted October 6th, 2012
I'm the invisable man......, posted September 13th, 2012
Memories......, posted September 5th, 2012
Anything for an easy life....., posted August 23rd, 2012
Still here...., posted July 17th, 2012
Feeling invisable Pt2, posted November 23rd, 2011
Feeling invisable, posted November 23rd, 2011
Paranoia of the masses, posted October 9th, 2011
Life...la la la la la...life is life, posted September 20th, 2011
In a relationship......., posted September 6th, 2011
....and relax...., posted September 1st, 2011
Theres gonna be a riot in Tumpton tonight....., posted August 11th, 2011
Its that time of year again...., posted July 21st, 2011
Really cant be bothered anymore....., posted June 24th, 2011
Grrrrrrr......., posted June 15th, 2011
Life is fickle..., posted May 21st, 2011, 1 comment
A busy weekend....., posted May 12th, 2011
Playing games........, posted May 8th, 2011
what have i done....., posted April 16th, 2011
I now know why..., posted April 12th, 2011
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